One Armed Surfer Expecting

Bethany Hamilton, who held the Oprah crowd’s attention span for a brief period after her arm was bitten off by a shark, is pregnant. Had it been cancer they wouldn’t have noticed. Hamilton still surfs five hours a day, and recently went on The Amazing Race with her youth pastor husband. If you were confused, they’re both better than you. Despite having one arm, Hamilton is ranked 53rd on the Association of Surfing Professionals World Ranking. At first this led me to believe surfing isn’t a real sport, then I remembered all those nubby armed MLB pitchers from the 90's. Then I saw some guy is playing D-1 college basketball with one arm and my world went into a spiral. How am I not in one of the major sports leagues? I have two arms and at least four pairs of Nikes. This isn’t about you anymore, Hamilton. Where’s the batting cages?
Photo Credit: Instagram

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A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbi Walk Into a Bar

I hate being the guy to point out that the more clever FEMEN becomes, the less attractive their activists. But I don’t mind the heavy lifting. It’s statistically challenging to find hot smart chicks who will bare their Sharpie marked up tits in public. Just imagine that Craigslist Paris ad for that no-pay gig. Smarmy crickets. On International Women’s Day, the all god’s creatures are beautiful girls of FEMEN took to the streets of the French capital to protest religion. Outside of L.A. Wiccan, organized religion has never been kind to homely ladies. You hide your face and we fuck through a sheet are not rules men make up for SI models. I don’t know what these women want, but I hope they get it. Anything to make them smile.

Photo Credit: Getty

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Miley Cyrus Speaks Ewok

Miley Cyrus is either functionally illiterate or speaks through a Google translator set to Lil’ Wayne’s Baby Mama. She’s trying really hard to be stupid or is just half this stupid and wants the rest to blend in:

“da most biewteous thang in da whole wide world iz friendship. yiew choose dem outta all da billion trillion and beyond dey are da onez dat days seem toooo short with…. Yiew wish dey could just go on foreva (that’s why sometimes yiew skip da sleepin part) i am layin in da gra$$ lookin up at all da clouds and tryin to even get a lil solaaaa gaze action jusss bein still…”

What you’re saying is already annoying without sounding like an offensive slave stereotype from a Jim Crowe era pulp novel. I understand you think it’s cool to mildly irritate people. That’s what the tongue thing is about. And your face. We can’t stands no more. Pull up your pants and attempt to properly articulate your retarded thoughts or you’ll be banished to the WB before your next attempt at being a person goes viral.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

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Two Year Old Kid DJs (VIDEO)

A final RIP notice for any illusion that DJ is a legitimately skilled profession. I don’t care what your job is, if a two-year old kid can replicate your product, it’s not real work. Your days of stacking blocks and shitting in big boy potties and pretending it’s a scarce talent are over. While our guard was down, Satan and his vagina minions convinced the world that DJ was an acronym with inherent value. Also, that cuddle parties were a thing. This has allowed his less talented demon hordes to travel freely and quite financially comfortably within our midst. Guys with ironic ball caps are raking in millions. Paris Hilton is winning international trophies forged of tin and public pool gonorrhea. DJs are getting laid by Victoria’s Secret models. It’s some madness. It ends today. Maybe tomorrow. Nothing cleans up slower than idiocy.

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Kylie And Kendall Get A Video Game And Shit Around The Web

In another sign of the apocalypse, Kylie and Kendall Jenner are getting their own insipid video game. Their slutty sister Kim Kardashian’s game made millions of dollars because people are super stupid and downloaded it. I wonder if the goal is to get to the STD clinic before a big date with Tyga.

Read all about this stupid fucking game. (Huffington Post)

Enjoy these pics of girls with huge titties because it’s a Tuesday. (The Chive)

What are the best chests of Instagram so far this year? (COED)

Coco Baudelle’s naked ass is out of control. (Egotastic)

Scott Disick goes to rehab because he’s a fucking drunk. (TMZ)

Celebrate St. Patty’s day with Irish hottie Rosalind Lipsett’s swinging shamrocks. (Drunken Stepfather)

Charlotte McKinney’s cleavage makes life worth living. (Hollywood Tuna)

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Hillary Duff Looking Sharp

Hillary Duff Instagrammed herself in a bikini and gave a shout out to All the Moms Out There because taking photos of your tits and ass in inexorably tied to making other people:

“Hey #moms #westillgotit ? #loveyourbod”

You’ve still got it. I’m not sure about the rest of America. Have you been to a Dairy Queen? I don’t see your kid in the picture. Would that make it weird? Maybe leave your reproductive habits out of the equation then. Duff was cheered on by a gaggle of women she wouldn’t shake hands with outside of a paid promotional engagement. This is more proof that any rich woman who was previously super hot can have a child at a young age and then turn him over to a Guatemalan woman and do pilates ten hours a day and still find time to take sexy photos of themselves. The critics have been silenced.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

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Suzanne Somers Pie To The Face

Somebody sick of Suzanne Somers bragging about how her husband services her senior snatch daily took a shaving cream pie to her face outside Dancing With the Stars rehearsal. I think it was her dance partner who still has nightmares about his beard wife’s similar demands once a year on Stalin’s birthday. A contract is a contract. After the initial ha-ha’s and you got me’s, the propolene glycol in the shaving cream reacted with Suzanne’s Darkman dermis layer and she began to writhe around in a steamy cappuccino froth. Everybody had a really good laugh because Joyce DeWitt is still totally available.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

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Dolce And Gabbana Unlikely Targets

Designers and rap topics Dolce and Gabbana have apologized for saying it isn’t normal for gay people to have children, which makes sense because both of them are gay and don’t have children and seem super normal. In an Italian magazine, the high style geniuses cast in-vitro fertilization as science gone awry, saying test tube babies are:

“Children of chemistry, synthetic children. Uteruses for rent, semen chosen from a catalog.”

This pissed off a ton of rich people, gay and straight, who have used in-vitro fertilization because nature didn’t want them to have more babies with paying real cash money. Elton John called for a boycott which you should attempt to parlay into the entire fashion industry for your girlfriend’s birthday. D&G issued an apology which they lifted from an obscure work from John Hancock and a Lennon B-side:

“We firmly believe in democracy and the fundamental principle of freedom of expression that upholds it… We do believe in freedom and love.”

How about you shut the fuck up and and put your names on things in gold. Guys who get to fuck all the time without having to worry about making babies have a tendency to feel invulnerable. I’m talking to you, Gabbana. Dolce, you seem okay.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

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Robin Rinaldi Bangs Dudes, Writes Book

After 18 years of marriage Robin Rinaldi decided she wanted to fuck a bunch of dudes. She proclaimed to her husband Scott that she would live apart from him on weekdays riding random cock and come back on the weekends to take baths. Her husband was understandably not super cool with the idea, but since Rinaldi had been chewing through the couch he agreed:

“‘I won’t go to my grave with no children and four lovers” I told him repeatedly. “I refuse.” Against the idea at first, he eventually relented.”

Rinaldi placed ads on Craigslist and to no surprise was rewarded with casual anonymous sex. She fucked ten dudes and two chicks in one year. Scott took the opportunity to pull a fast one he learned from watching Cruel Intentions:

“Meanwhile, it turned out that, for around six months, Scott had been exclusively sleeping with one woman, a lot younger than me. That bothered me, especially as they hadn’t been using condoms.”

Point, Scott. I’d give their marriage another ten months or two dicks whatever comes last. Rinaldi’s book is entitled The Wild Oats Project and chronicles her quest for empowerment through fucking the Outback waiter. If you hear it brought up, that person probably isn’t marriage material. Nor do they read. From now on I’m toasting to Scott for understanding that men always do better by casual sex than women.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

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Patrick Schwarenegger Playing the Vagina Field And Shit Around The Web

Patrick Schwarzenegger might be stepping out on Miley Cyrus. He was spotted getting intimate with some random party chick in Cabo. It’s possible the couple have a hall pass relationship, with Schwarzenegger choosing ‘girls who don’t look like marmosets’ for his catch-all pass.

Check out Patrick’s new lay. (TMZ)

Everyone loves a hot girl in red lipstick. (The Chive)

Metisha Schaefer shows off her thong-covered booty. (Egotastic)

Kate Hudson bikinis in Malibu with Mr. Coldplay. (Huffington Post)

Charlie Riina is covered topless and it is awesome. (Drunken Stepfather)

Kat Torres takes a beach shower in a bikini. (Hollywood Tuna)

Jessica Alba wears a see-through white dress and shows us her bra. (Popoholic)

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Natalie Morales

Natalie Morales

Emma Stone – Matthias Vriens-McGrath Photoshoot 2014 for ‘The...

Emma Stone – Matthias Vriens-McGrath Photoshoot 2014 for ‘The Amazing Spider-Man 2'

Kelly Brook

Kelly Brook

Romy Schneider in Paris, 1972

Romy Schneider in Paris, 1972

Christina Applegate

Christina Applegate

Natalie Martinez

Natalie Martinez

Chanel Iman

Chanel Iman

Rosamund Pike – Jeff Vespa Portraits 2007

Rosamund Pike – Jeff Vespa Portraits 2007

Helena Bonham Carter, Matthew Lewis, Tom Felton and Warwick...

Helena Bonham Carter, Matthew Lewis, Tom Felton and Warwick Davis

Gwendoline Christie was one of Vivienne Westwood’s models at...

Gwendoline Christie  was one of Vivienne Westwood’s models at Paris Fashion Week

Alicia Vikander in W Magazine

Alicia Vikander in W Magazine

Rose McIver at SiriusXM Studios in New York

Rose McIver at SiriusXM Studios in New York

Antonia Thomas

Antonia Thomas

Kristin Scott Thomas

Kristin Scott Thomas

Lea Michele – Entertainment Weekly photoshoot

Lea Michele – Entertainment Weekly photoshoot

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan

Rosario Dawson: O The Oprah US 2015

Rosario Dawson: O The Oprah US 2015 

Whitney Houston

Whitney Houston

Ashley Benson

Ashley Benson

Grace Gealey

Grace Gealey

Victoria Justice Flaunts Her Booty In A Sheer Jumpsuit

Posted March 16, 2015 by Durka Durka Mohammed

Victoria Justice flaunts her tight booty and sinfully feminine profile while in a sheer jumpsuit at the release party for her cover issue of Kode magazine.

Finally Victoria Justice is starting to dress like the whore us Muslims always knew that she was. This change is no doubt a direct result of Victoria’s nude cell phone pictures leaking during “The Fappening”, as she could no longer sustain her “innocent good girl” image and must now embrace her true depraved nature.

Yes Victoria Justice whoring her tight body in sheer jumpsuits in the photos below is just the beginning. Expect Victoria to become even more brazen with her outfits as the last remnants of her once pristine public persona wash away in a sea of her innate immorality. In fact, in a year’s time I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see Victoria showing up to events with her meaty piss flaps out dangling for all to see.

Kylie And Kendall Get A Video Game And Shit Around The Web

In another sign of the apocalypse, Kylie and Kendall Jenner are getting their own insipid video game. Their slutty sister Kim Kardashian’s game made millions of dollars because people are super stupid and downloaded it. I wonder if the goal is to get to the STD clinic before a big date with Tyga.

Read all about this stupid fucking game. (Huffington Post)

Enjoy these pics of girls with huge titties because it’s a Tuesday. (The Chive)

What are the best chests of Instagram so far this year? (COED)

Coco Baudelle’s naked ass is out of control. (Egotastic)

Scott Disick goes to rehab because he’s a fucking drunk. (TMZ)

Celebrate St. Patty’s day with Irish hottie Rosalind Lipsett’s swinging shamrocks. (Drunken Stepfather)

Charlotte McKinney’s cleavage makes life worth living. (Hollywood Tuna)