One Armed Surfer Expecting

Bethany Hamilton, who held the Oprah crowd’s attention span for a brief period after her arm was bitten off by a shark, is pregnant. Had it been cancer they wouldn’t have noticed. Hamilton still surfs five hours a day, and recently went on The Amazing Race with her youth pastor husband. If you were confused, they’re both better than you. Despite having one arm, Hamilton is ranked 53rd on the Association of Surfing Professionals World Ranking. At first this led me to believe surfing isn’t a real sport, then I remembered all those nubby armed MLB pitchers from the 90's. Then I saw some guy is playing D-1 college basketball with one arm and my world went into a spiral. How am I not in one of the major sports leagues? I have two arms and at least four pairs of Nikes. This isn’t about you anymore, Hamilton. Where’s the batting cages?
Photo Credit: Instagram

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A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbi Walk Into a Bar

I hate being the guy to point out that the more clever FEMEN becomes, the less attractive their activists. But I don’t mind the heavy lifting. It’s statistically challenging to find hot smart chicks who will bare their Sharpie marked up tits in public. Just imagine that Craigslist Paris ad for that no-pay gig. Smarmy crickets. On International Women’s Day, the all god’s creatures are beautiful girls of FEMEN took to the streets of the French capital to protest religion. Outside of L.A. Wiccan, organized religion has never been kind to homely ladies. You hide your face and we fuck through a sheet are not rules men make up for SI models. I don’t know what these women want, but I hope they get it. Anything to make them smile.

Photo Credit: Getty

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Miley Cyrus Speaks Ewok

Miley Cyrus is either functionally illiterate or speaks through a Google translator set to Lil’ Wayne’s Baby Mama. She’s trying really hard to be stupid or is just half this stupid and wants the rest to blend in:

“da most biewteous thang in da whole wide world iz friendship. yiew choose dem outta all da billion trillion and beyond dey are da onez dat days seem toooo short with…. Yiew wish dey could just go on foreva (that’s why sometimes yiew skip da sleepin part) i am layin in da gra$$ lookin up at all da clouds and tryin to even get a lil solaaaa gaze action jusss bein still…”

What you’re saying is already annoying without sounding like an offensive slave stereotype from a Jim Crowe era pulp novel. I understand you think it’s cool to mildly irritate people. That’s what the tongue thing is about. And your face. We can’t stands no more. Pull up your pants and attempt to properly articulate your retarded thoughts or you’ll be banished to the WB before your next attempt at being a person goes viral.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

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Two Year Old Kid DJs (VIDEO)

A final RIP notice for any illusion that DJ is a legitimately skilled profession. I don’t care what your job is, if a two-year old kid can replicate your product, it’s not real work. Your days of stacking blocks and shitting in big boy potties and pretending it’s a scarce talent are over. While our guard was down, Satan and his vagina minions convinced the world that DJ was an acronym with inherent value. Also, that cuddle parties were a thing. This has allowed his less talented demon hordes to travel freely and quite financially comfortably within our midst. Guys with ironic ball caps are raking in millions. Paris Hilton is winning international trophies forged of tin and public pool gonorrhea. DJs are getting laid by Victoria’s Secret models. It’s some madness. It ends today. Maybe tomorrow. Nothing cleans up slower than idiocy.

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Kylie And Kendall Get A Video Game And Shit Around The Web

In another sign of the apocalypse, Kylie and Kendall Jenner are getting their own insipid video game. Their slutty sister Kim Kardashian’s game made millions of dollars because people are super stupid and downloaded it. I wonder if the goal is to get to the STD clinic before a big date with Tyga.

Read all about this stupid fucking game. (Huffington Post)

Enjoy these pics of girls with huge titties because it’s a Tuesday. (The Chive)

What are the best chests of Instagram so far this year? (COED)

Coco Baudelle’s naked ass is out of control. (Egotastic)

Scott Disick goes to rehab because he’s a fucking drunk. (TMZ)

Celebrate St. Patty’s day with Irish hottie Rosalind Lipsett’s swinging shamrocks. (Drunken Stepfather)

Charlotte McKinney’s cleavage makes life worth living. (Hollywood Tuna)

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Hillary Duff Looking Sharp

Hillary Duff Instagrammed herself in a bikini and gave a shout out to All the Moms Out There because taking photos of your tits and ass in inexorably tied to making other people:

“Hey #moms #westillgotit ? #loveyourbod”

You’ve still got it. I’m not sure about the rest of America. Have you been to a Dairy Queen? I don’t see your kid in the picture. Would that make it weird? Maybe leave your reproductive habits out of the equation then. Duff was cheered on by a gaggle of women she wouldn’t shake hands with outside of a paid promotional engagement. This is more proof that any rich woman who was previously super hot can have a child at a young age and then turn him over to a Guatemalan woman and do pilates ten hours a day and still find time to take sexy photos of themselves. The critics have been silenced.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

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Suzanne Somers Pie To The Face

Somebody sick of Suzanne Somers bragging about how her husband services her senior snatch daily took a shaving cream pie to her face outside Dancing With the Stars rehearsal. I think it was her dance partner who still has nightmares about his beard wife’s similar demands once a year on Stalin’s birthday. A contract is a contract. After the initial ha-ha’s and you got me’s, the propolene glycol in the shaving cream reacted with Suzanne’s Darkman dermis layer and she began to writhe around in a steamy cappuccino froth. Everybody had a really good laugh because Joyce DeWitt is still totally available.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

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